after, circles

5.2.09
I search again for solace in the words.

It's been a long time - far too long since I've looked to them for release, looked to them in hopes that there might be an answer buried in what might come out.

I make excuses to myself for neglecting them; I'm much too busy with the magazine, there's nothing new to write, or nothing of interest- just wake, work, try to survive, try to make sense of it all, fight to find the answers, dance around the challenges, sleep - then do it all over again the next day, day after day
after day...

I felt - I feel - like I've forgotten how to, like they're no longer as close as they once were. The words & I had grown apart, like a person who was once a dear friend ages ago, but seeing them again after so long you find that too much time has passed, and though you search to find the ease you once shared together, things have changed - that the language isn't the same, and there is nothing left but the sad, fond memories of how it once was, and desperately hold onto those as you part company, both back to your separate lives...

Unlike that old friend however, I can bring them back to what I once found in them:

a home.
peace.

a sanctuary, shelter from the storms...

and everything was supposed to change tonight...
at least I'm writing again. - sort of.

The evening started out wit a few hiccups, of course. I expected that. The people were there, tons of love, hope that this would change things... everything has become so incredibly stagnant it seems, regardless of what it seems like on the outside. Everyday fighting for something to change, growth, not to have to struggle every day, not to wake up every morning to the same questions, frustrations - someday.
I am tired though. I wanted so much from this year and I'm sick of everyday these days living with the not knowing how much time I have left and as the blood stains everything I wear the fear grows .....

It was good to see Rick there. This is the first time he's ever come out to see me, busy with my sisters family & all. I learned that my mom was in town from him andd inside I crumbled. Cant let it show try to hide it keep it inside keep things moving but - but at least I didn't break down, at least not there. I wasn't the same after that though. (Hey ma, guess I'm already dead, huh?)
I asked him to tell her that I was doing okay. He said he was impressed with the show - I asked him to tell her that too. I still try to make them proud... though honesty apparently wasn't the way to go...


I have another family now.


I still have me, and so incredibly much inside that I want to give back to them - or just give.

I still have a lot to do before I give into this. I'll come back when I can.

always have.