unburdened

5.23

The light from the single candle shines down on these words as I sit up against the pillows, buried under my collection of comforters – Mr. Sharp-as-a-Marble here finally thought of moving the small wall sconce to the 'bedroom' of Dancer, instead of leaving it up in to front area where it complimented the decoration & look of my home. Much better to read by than to walk by, yes yes. Besides, had to get some light in there – the batteries on pretty much everything are kaput, and I didn't have the good fortune of parking under a streetlight this time…

The candlelight, the warmth of my bed, the occasional slight sway of Dancer as the wind gusts by – the tapestries and fabric I've had for years now covering these windows… dressing up the inside, a little paint when I had the money to get a quart, more fabric, pictures – I look around, and a subtle smile appears. This is my home, and – and yeah, it feels like a home, more than anywhere I've lived for countless years – and even then, it was usually just my bedroom.

This, however, is truly a sanctuary, my sanctuary – and the coolest thing - is that it's on wheels!

Sure, there's a bunch of stuff that needs to be repaired, and there are of course some improvements and more decorating I would like to do – but all of those take money – and I'm lucky if I can buy a cup of coffee in the morning these days – and tomorrow, I can't even do that – but oh well. It will work out somehow. I have Dancer.

There's a peace that comes over me when I am in her, warm under the comforters, invisible to the rest of the world as the rest of the world rushes by… gods, I love it.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's late now, I feel it. Should probably get to sleep soon, wake up at a somewhat decent hour, drop off prescriptions, write all of this down & check emails at the café while trying to be as invisible as possible so they don't notice me not buying anything, then do a little work on the site as I bring it back to life, busting my ass next week , getting into high gear on the magazine – but first, I need to fulfill something I've been wanting to do for weeks, and get out to Ocean Beach – just walk along the Sea in the beautiful overcast day, , escape everything inside of me, breathe, belong… probably make the short walk to the archery range as well either Sunday eve or Monday - it's been far too long since I've taken up my bow, let everything fall away into the time spent with it. I can still feel the serenity of it in even only the thought of getting back to the range; the way every motion becomes fluid, the way everything feels connected, the absence of thought, but perfect awareness – and the way that all comes with me when I step off the range. – I've always struggled with the usual kind of meditation, thanks to this chatterbox of a head – even the Vipassana retreat had to kick my ass (and break it & my knees) before I got the hang of it… I think I'll make a point of getting to the archery range a bit more frequently.

Then, read in my wonderful little sanctuary, where time doesn't matter, and… (and shit, I need to finish copying this so I can get the hell OUT there! F all asleep to the sound of the waves, the smell of the Ocean – no internet, no computer – it's strange writing all of this down on paper again, it's been years since I used this medium, but I think I'm getting the hang of it again… got to be careful though, as occasionally the words start pulling themselves out of me instead of me putting them down, completely bypassing thought due to not having to pause to find the keys on the keyboard…

Hoping that I have the fuel to get out there & back – guess I'll find out…

Then back to work on Tuesday with new ideas for the mag, always, it seems, running around in the same circle, working my ass off just trying to make enough to survive - penniless, not knowing where more money is coming from, not knowing how I'm going to eat when the food I have runs out, and watching the people run by Dancer each day, rushing everywhere they need to go in order to make the bills, rent, mortgage, car payments, worried about being laid off, hoping that they will be able to take that vacation, and hoping that they won't be found unnecessary while they're gone – again, a circle, and yeah, I've run in that one too for most of my life – then I look at Dancer. Lock the door behind me as I crawl up into her, take off my coat and look around, not even bothering to check the pockets as I laugh to myself, I know there isn't any money in them – a subtle nod as a slight smile appears on my face, taking a deep breath, and realizing how incredibly fortunate I am, that even the smallest of things hold so much more value, and knowing that I'll never forget this time,

Holding the smile, feeling so incredibly blessed – as there is nowhere to go but up…

 

And I'm climbing.

 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

 

Time for me to post this quickly, and get my ass to the ocean. Talk to you all in a couple days.