once was, and again

Only one way to begin again. I need to - but not from the beginning, not again. Far too much has happened, there is no going back to anything. There never was. Just pick up the pieces that remain & paste, bandage yet again.

All I want is the road again, to find the stories there instead of digging up the things inside over and over. I taught myself to feel, taught myself to do away with the silence & suppression and become who I am, the person they can;t seem to accept - but is the only person that I can... Ten years ago there was an opening to a hole that was inside of me, a piece that was shut off with the intricate walls built over a lifetime... from the first day, or somewhere around there. I wonder if I saw her walk away.

The hole was filled with more than I know what to do with. All I can do is write - but I don't want to write about me, not anymore, not about that, not again...

... ..

I don't know where to start. Everything wants to come at once, all the beauty, all of the shit - I find a beginning anymore, no new great adventure that was supposed to be there. I stare at the screen, still on a borrowed computer, still counting pennies for enough fuel to move enough to avoid the parking tickets.

A circle.
Not much has changed the way I had hoped in the past year since the beginning of this... this magazine.
The magazine is not the dream, only a vehicle - a way to find the stories, show the beauty - a way to show the world what the people who are strong enough to chase their dreams are doing.

This, my magazine, is what I'm using to find them - but something needs to change, and change now. I can't do it alone, but I am terrified of putting faith in others...
again.
It comes from depths that even I can't comprehend - but people like it. Like the magazine. I don't know if it does anything good, but I know that it can. It just needs to be able to happen, grow,

and change the world.

I should probably post this. Taking a week off from everything, everyone. I need to figure out what to do with it now. I need to bring back the words I once knew. I need to move forward - when I'm ready, soon.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~

once was adventure
http://ksea.livejournal.com/2005/09/02/